Previously on "Sports Night"...
Tomorrow night, you are going to go out
to the Meadowlands and do a pr e-interview.
Since when do we do pr e-interviews?
Since we booked Chris Patrick.
Somebody witnessed Christian Patrick
in an otherwise empty locker room exposing himself to a woman.
- What happened to your wrist? - What?
Natalie will deny r eports that she was sexually assaulted in an empty locker room,
and I'm including league security as well as pr ess inquiries.
Private conversations in the corridor,
secr et meetings in Isaac's office,
"We'll have a car take you home"?
I'm alr eady out of the loop.
You touch her again, I'm gonna have you killed.
But tomorrow, the sky's gonna f all down on both of us.
I'm going over to the 23rd pr ecinct,
and I'm swearing out a warrant f or your arr est.
We're back on Dan in 5... 4...
3... 2... 1.
Next up, Steve Denton looks f or a new gig,
the Hawks def end a str eak,
and we answer the question,
"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck
if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
You'r e watching "Sports Night" on CSC,
so come on back.
- 2 1/2 minutes back. - We'r e out.
- Okay. I don't think ther e's any way I could be colder.
- What if you wer e wet? - I'd be very cold.
But as cold as I'd be under that circumstance,
I still don't think ther e'd be any discernable diff er ence
between how cold I'd be then and how cold I am now.
That's how cold I am now.
- So... you'r e cold. - I'm pr etty cold.
We'r e taking car e of it.
And if it's possible,
I'd like to look just a little bit mor e like Elmer Fudd.
Natalie, do you have the S.O.T. on Michigan State?
- I'm sorry? - Michigan State?
I've got it.
I need it.
- It was right her e. - Wher e?
- Her e. - It's cool.
- Don't panic. - I'm not losing my mind. Don't tell me not to panic.
- Natalie... - I just had it.
- Wher e? - Her e.
Dan, heads up - I may have a change.
Ther e's not gonna be a change. It was right her e.
- We may not have the S.O.T. f or Michigan State. We'll have it.
Natalie's right. If this is prof essional television,
sur ely ther e's some kind of strict procedur e that's f ollowed
- when something like this happens. - Absolutely.
- What is it? - Well, first, everyone, stand up
- and see if you'r e sitting on it. - 2 minutes back.
- I'll find it. - I'll help her look.
- Uh, don't worry about it. - Dana...
Jer emy, she's not gonna find it. Don't worry about it.
- 90 seconds back. - Did you get any sleep last night?
I don't r emember.
So, I have a complaint - two complaints actually.
You'r e cold?
- Thr ee complaints. - What are the first two?
- I haven't put these in any order. - Okay.
I haven't number ed them. I'm not conversationally anal-r etentive the way you ar e.
- I'm conversationally anal-r etentive? - Yes, indeed.
Then what ar e your other two complaints?
If I did number them, certainly high on the list
would be the climate in this room.
Yeah, I think your position's pr etty clear on that.
- 60 seconds back. - Well, what ar e the other two?
- You'r e too hard on Rostenkowski. - Oh, please.
- You ar e. You've been riding him all week. - Am not.
Dan, he made a bonehead move on f ourth down with the game on the line.
It's not the first time he's made a bonehead move.
I'm a commentator, I'm a pundit, I am doing my job.
- You'r e a pundit? - I'm a pundit.
- Your par ents must be very proud. - They are. - 30 seconds.
- What's your second complaint? - The sound eff ects.
- Oh, again with the sound eff ects. - All through the Rostenkowski piece -
"Clank! Wah wanh!"
What's with that?
I am bringing my point into stark r elief.
With Casio keyboard sound eff ects.
We have very talented sound editors, right, Chris?
Thank you.
Will?
It's what I do.
You see? It's what Will does.
Suit yourself.
Danny, he should not be the head coach
of a major college f ootball team.
Yeah, but he is, and you know what that job's like, so I'm just saying -
- I can't find it. - It's okay.
- I'm sorry. - It's not a problem.
It is a problem, Dana. This isn't something -
Natalie, it's not a problem. We've got promos we can use to fill.
Yeah, guys, we'r e blowing off 80, 81, and 82.
I've got promo fillers, so ride us out on the box set.
I'm sorry, everybody.
- It's all right. Don't worry about it. Hey, Dana... - That's cool.
Danny has some complaints -
- Thr ee complaints. - in no particular order.
Want to hear?
Danny, you look like Elmer Fudd.
Okay, four complaints.
Dan, I spoke to building maintenance
about the air conditioning.
They'r e sending someone out.
- The air conditioning? - Yeah.
That's good, um, but the problem
we'r e having in the studio is with the heat.
Damn it.
- Don't worry about it. - Yes. Right. Right. No problem.
Nat? You want to sit down f or a sec, shoot the br eeze?
I can't shoot the br eeze right now, Dan.
I have to do my job.
Or do you think it's just saf er f or everybody if I don't do anything?
No, I was just -
My two anchors ar e gonna die of hypothermia on the air,
but that's okay, no problem,
'cause Natalie's a little distracted.
I'm not distracted, guys. I can do my job.
- We know. - I've gotta go get the air conditioning fix ed.
- The heat. - Yes. I know that. Thank you.
Also, if you see Casey,
tell him to lighten up on Rostenkowski.
Oh, look, you'r e her e.
Yeah.
Lighten up on Rostenkowski.
I stand by my position.
I do it proudly, I do it vigorously,
and I do it f or the f ollowing thr ee r easons -
Here come the table of contents.
- I like to organize my thoughts. - We know.
Why are you looking at a dictionary?
I don't think "pundit" means what you think it means.
- You'r e not gonna let go of this. - You're not gonna let go of this.
Ex cuse me, but wasn't I sitting next to you f or two weeks when you said
that Latr ell Spr ewell shouldn't be allowed to play prof essional basketball again?
Look, I know it's your alma mater,
and I know you take that seriously - and I think that's gr eat -
but Rostenkowski blew a f ourth-down call in a college f ootball game.
Latr ell Spr ewell tried to strangle his coach.
Is this one of those days when you have a hard time making the distinction?
We wer e this close to beating Miami - this close.
Do you know how many times we've beaten Miami?
- You've never beaten Miami. - We've never beaten Miami.
Now, who am I supposed to see about that?
A therapist?
And what was the upshot of the budget meeting?
We'r e gonna have to find a way to cut $ 17 million.
Ex cuse me.
- Come on in. - I found it. - You f ound it?
I f ound it.
I knew if I looked hard enough, I'd find it, and I f ound it.
- What did you find? - A death threat. - To Natalie?
Yes. Anytime you've got a thousand people sending letters and making phone calls,
it's a pr etty good bet that at least one of them's gonna be out of his mind.
Jer emy, is this why you haven't been sleeping at night?
- I don't need much sleep. - I don't want you obsessing about this.
- It's not an obsession. - You look like you haven't slept in a week.
- I'm fine. - 'Cause, you know, network security's
working with the FBl, and they pr etty much have the bases cover ed.
Well, they don't have the bases cover ed,
because I intercepted this e-mail this morning.
You shouldn't be r eading Natalie's e-mail.
It was the only way I could make sur e
that Natalie doesn't r ead Natalie's e-mail.
I'm surprised she gave you her password.
She won't even give it to me.
She didn't give it to me. I figur ed it out.
- You figur ed it out? - Sure.
You figur ed out her password?
I thought, you know, how many 6-letter words could ther e be?
Um, 5,000.
14, 200 and change.
But I got it on the 38th try.
You gotta go to sleep right now.
- "Dear slut..." - Don't read it.
"You should never have been in that locker room
"wher e men have just played the game of f ootball.
"You deserve what Christian Patrick gave you and mor e.
"And now a gr eat f ootball player with a pashion and love f or the game" -
"passion" with the less common "s-h" spelling -
"has come under a cloud of speculation that's only serving
"to distract a team f rom its quest to win the Super Bowl.
I hope you get killed."
- We've seen the letter. - You've seen the letter?
- It came yesterday. Natalie gave it to the police. - Natalie has seen it?
- Of course. - I don't want her seeing this stuff!
- No, I don't want her seeing it! - Jeremy... listen, do me a f avor.
Go wait f or me in the conf er ence room. I want to talk to you.
- I need to be doing something. - You will be.
- Go wait in the conf er ence room. - Listen...
You'r e overtir ed. This is sleep deprivation.
Go to the conf er ence room and wait f or me ther e.
I'm sorry I raised my voice.
We shouldn't worry, right?
A r eporter goes into a locker room,
has a run-in with an athlete,
the r eporter becomes the story.
That happens, right?
In my experience?
About twice a year over the last 40 years.
Right.
So why does this f eel diff er ent?
Because it's happening to us.
Right.
Okay, the budget.
"Dear Casey McCall,
"lately, I think you and me ar e the only ones who know anything about f ootball.
"Rostenkowski should be run out of town on a rail,
and you'r e just the man to do it."
Eh, I say you'r e man enough f or 10 men.
"Casey, Rostenkowski is a f raud, a bum,
"and a doddering old man.
"Me and my f riends ar e totally with you.
Keep up the good work."
They tell me I'm all over the radio in the Gr eat Lakes r egion.
- Have you ever been to the Gr eat Lakes? - Yeah, four of them.
- How ar e they? - They're great.
"You're my f avorite sports anchor ever.
"I never used to like sports, but you've so gotten me into it.
"Maybe because you'r e totally hot.
Look me up - Tracy Dever eux, Baton Rouge, Louisiana."
- You made that up. - What's that say?
- It's addr essed to Dan. - Yeah, well, the point is I'm leading a groundswell.
- Casey... - I'm leading a groundswell.
That's r eally nice f or you.
Listen, do me a f avor - double-check any items
you'r e getting in f rom Natalie.
If anything's wrong, fix it yourself.
The distractions ar e starting to get to her.
Oh, yeah. She's been scr ewing up pr etty good lately.
Yeah, not like when you wer e going through the divorce.
I did my job with a plum.
I r emember some days you could bar ely find the building.
Well, that's true.
- You'll watch her back? - I always do.
I know.
Good.
I need to get in ther e.
- You look nice today. - Good.
Uh, uh, uh, uh - no, no, no.
I said you look nice. That's your cue to say thank you.
Thank you.
Why do you look nice?
Because I am nice.
- You can say it, Dana. - I don't want to say it.
- You do want to say it. - I don't want to say it, and you don't want me to say it.
I do want you to say it, and then I want you to see
how much I don't car e when you do.
- What's in it f or me? - Nothing.
I am dr essed this way
because I'm having dinner with Gordon after the show.
I'm having dinner with Gordon, and I'm dr essed this way
because it's been my experience
that when I do, Gordon becomes quite amorous,
and it's my hope that Gordon act on his impulses this evening,
quench his desir e, and in so doing...
quench mine.
You happy?
That's all I wanted.
- Good. - Ther e is no r eason f or you to be secr etive.
- Fine. - I am not jealous of you and Gordon.
- Can I get in the conf er ence room? - Sur e.
- Kim... - Yep?
Make a note -
I need to ruin Dana's dinner with Gordon.
You know, Jeremy...
Don Quix ote was a hero of my f ather's, and my f ather would like you.
You'r e a very Quix otic character.
- Thank you. - However, my f ather would also say you'r e a f ool.
That's entir ely possible, but in own def ense, so was Don Quix ote.
- You like Natalie, don't you? - Me?
- Yes. - Of course I like her.
No, that's not what I mean, Jer emy.
I mean, you like Natalie, don't you?
- Me? - Yes.
What was the question?
- It's okay. - I haven't -
It's okay. I'm sur e your love has been pur e and chaste f rom af ar.
- It r eally has been. - I'll let you in on a secr et.
I think Natalie likes you as well.
- I think so, too. - Yes.
- I've been getting that f eeling. - Good.
I've had this sense. It's a f aint, subtle thing -
She's been throwing herself at you.
- See, I didn't get that. - Trust me.
So, you know what I think you should do?
- What? - Nothing.
- Nothing? - Nothing.
- Isn't that what I'm doing now? - No.
Natalie's lif e has been turned upside down.
She doesn't know whether she's coming or going.
People harass her and take her pictur es.
The r eporters calling, the mail -
She's f rightened and conf used.
And I know you'r e f rightened, too,
or you wouldn't be staying up all night
plugging 6-letter words into a computer.
I'm not a big man, Dana.
I can't beat people up, and I don't carry a gun.
I'm a r esearch analyst with a degr ee in Applied Mathematics,
so this is what I do.
And that's cool, but that's not what she needs.
What does she need?
A quiet dinner - just a quiet dinner
in a saf e place with someone she likes.
Who?
- Me, right. - Jer emy... yes.
- I can do that. - Good.
- I can definitely do that. - Ex cellent.
- Now I need you to do something else. - Sur e.
Go into my office, close the door,
lie down on the couch, and take a nap.
- I can't. - You can try.
- No, I can't sleep. - You can try f or a f ew hours.
These letters ar en't gonna stop coming
just because I take her out to dinner.
I know.
I'll try and sleep.
- 14,200? - And change.
"Very Quix otic," my f ather would say about you.
Hey, you know what Danny said to me last night?
What'd you say to him last night?
I told him he was conversationally anal-r etentive.
- Yeah, you ar e. - I am not.
- You ar e, too. - You guys need me f or this fight?
- No. - No, we'r e fine.
How am I conversationally anal-r etentive?
Let me answer that question in f our parts
with the f ourth part first and the third part last.
- The second part has five syllables. - All right, all right, all right.
Hey, did you talk to the sound guys
about the Rostenkowski eff ects f or tonight?
- The crash-and-burn sound? Yeah. - Yeah.
- And? - They said they don't have it.
- They don't have the crash-and-burn sound? - They don't have it.
Well, did you make the sound f or them?
Yes. Hey, Elliott, who's the leading scor er in the Portland game?
- McManus. - Okay.
You made the sound f or them, and they didn't have it?
- That's right. Uh-huh.
Kim, wher e ar e we on Sergei Fedorov?
- When did you need that? - Now.
Urrr! Pukkkk!
- That sound? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yes.
Make the sound that you made.
- Casey, I made the sound. - Make it.
Urr! Ksss!
- Ah... - What?
That's not the sound.
That's the sound.
Chris... Will...
Be with me now.
Urrr! Pukkkk!
Crash and burn.
- Can you do it? - Got it.
Ex cuse me. Danny?
- Jer emy. - Am I interrupting?
- I thought you wer e asleep. - Huh?
Dana said you wer e asleep in her office.
No, I've been, uh, running some stats through a program.
I'm trying to chose an appropriate r estaurant.
Listen to me, seriously. You gotta get some sleep.
I once stayed up 72 hours straight studying f or a Biochem midterm.
- You know what happened next? - No.
Me neither, man,
'cause I passed out in my girlf riend's dorm room.
I didn't wake up until, like, graduation.
- How'd you do on the midterm? - I aced it, but that's not the point.
- What's the point? - You're running stats on restaurants?
I want to take Natalie to dinner, and I want to do it right.
I wrote some softwar e that helps me f actor in menu, ambiance, location,
any number of elements that can be translated into binomial f unctions.
It's based on the fourth generation of L7 software
that runs with the old Omni applications.
It doesn't allow f or tr ends, and it's not as f ast as I'd like it to be,
- but it's... - Hang on, hang on, hang on. Time out.
Let me just get this straight her e. I'm sorry.
You designed some softwar e?
- Just an application. - Jer emy...
See, Dana seems to think that I could help Natalie out if I take her to dinner.
- Dan, this may be my only chance with Natalie. - Listen up. Listen up.
- You know what she likes, and you know all the hot places in the city. - Jer emy...
- Please, help me pick a r estaurant - - Jer emy, listen up!
Okay.
You need to go to sleep.
It's dangerous...
Really.
Okay.
Make it someplace that you like.
Restaurants - they don't impr ess women as much as we think they do,
and f ood always tastes good on the first date.
You'r e not in Vegas, and you'r e not in L.A.
You ar e in the most magnificent city in the world.
It's the city of Gershwin and Cole Porter,
Damon Runyon and Fior ello La Guardia.
Surprise her, but make her f eel comf ortable.
Make it diff er ent, but make her f eel at home.
But mostly...
make it someplace that you like.
Wher e is that r estaurant?
I'll let you know when I find it.
Dan, we need you in makeup.
Three minutes to air. We're three minutes out.
Hey, Casey.
Hey, Gordon. What's happening?
Oh, boy, this place r eally hops at showtime, huh?
It's like a r eal television show.
- Yeah, we got cameras and everything. - Wow.
Honey, I gotta go check on some things.
You don't have to talk to Casey if you don't want to,
and if he says anything you don't like,
you should f eel f r ee to take a swing at him.
Feisty girl.
Yeah, she's a pip.
Oh, I gotta tell you, when she wears that outfit -
I heard.
Oh, by the way, f or what it's worth,
I'm right with you on this Rostenkowski thing.
- Thank you. - It was a terrible call.
- Lost the game. - I don't know how he makes that call.
Any idiot knows you hand it to Jermaine, you send him up the middle.
Yeah - well, you'r e not gonna go up the middle
against an 8-man f ront, but still...
Oh, still, maybe you run a play-action f ake,
you toss it off to the tight end out in the flat.
The problem with that is that without establishing a running game first,
- no one's gonna bite down on the play f ake. - Oh, but still.
Still...
A post pattern, a slant...
He'd be going against a def ensive back
who was second-team All-American as a true f r eshman.
- What would you have called? - Me?
Yeah.
The thing is, I haven't watched film all week.
I haven't seen scouting r eports.
I don't have an off ensive coordinator talking in my ear.
I don't have 80,000 f ans scr eaming in my f ace.
So it's easy for me - I don't have 10 million people
watching at home on TV, including a pack of rabid alumni.
I've had thr ee days to think about it.
He had seven seconds.
So it's a lot easier f or me to make that decision than it was f or him.
But since you asked me what play I would have called, I'll tell you.
Now that I think about it, I have no idea.
- Gordon... - Huh?
Dana asked me to show you to the gr eenroom.
Oh, thanks. Casey.
Gordon.
Hey, Dana...
- Yeah? - Can you put in an alternate 44
and str etch the NBA rollout after the second C-br eak?
- I think so. Why? - I'm blowing off the Rostenkowski thing.
We're live in 60 seconds.
Roll VTR.
- I'm blowing off the Rostenkowski piece. - Attaboy.
- I gave in. - Yes!
I saw the light.
Good.
I rose above myself,
and I did it f or the f ollowing thr ee r easons -
We actually don't have time f or this right now.
30 seconds.
Let's go. Have a good show, everybody.
...losing to fourth-seated Monica Seles
in the second round.
Time f or our weekly edition of "You Should Know."
Daniel...
You know, her e at "Sports Night," we get a lot of mail.
Most of it goes something like this -
"Casey, Dan, you two obviously know a lot about sports,
"but what can you tell us
about legendary ltalian song stylist Tony Orlando?"
Well...
You should know!
You should know that Tony Orlando is not ltalian,
and if you guessed that the man was of Latin descent,
you'd be incorr ect as well.
Mr. Tony Orlando hails f rom Gr eece,
we thought you should know that.
That just about does it f or tonight's show. It's a holiday weekend,
so if you'r e driving out to the stadium tomorrow,
please, please r emember to take your car.
Good night, everybody.
Good night.
We're out.
What the hell was that?
Shh, shh, quiet.
That was supposed to be Troy Aikman.
Ther e was nothing on the TelePromp Ter.
So you ad-libbed Tony Orlando?
- It was all I could think of! - Tony Orlando?
Listen, I had Natalie write a new copy
to fill f or the gap Casey left when he pulled the Rostenkowski thing.
The copy never made it on the Teleprompter.
We screwed up, and thanks for covering.
- Is Tony Orlando Gr eek? - How the hell do I know?
Well, you can't deny that Natalie's making things inter esting around her e.
- Not a word to Natalie. - All right!
That's enough. You guys ar e still miked, f or crying out loud.
I can hear every word you'r e saying.
- Hey, Natalie, it's not like that, r eally. We wer e just laughing at - - Me?
- Uh, Natalie... - Absolutely not.
Why not? Why ar en't you laughing at me?
Why ar en't you mad at me?
Dan, y-you just had to ad-lib a 30-second segment in the f r eezing cold,
and God knows what graphic I put on the scr een.
Look, all I want is to get it right,
and when I don't, I expect to be tr eated like a prof essional.
I expect to be yelled at.
I want to be treated like the show is still important.
I want to be tr eated like my job is still important!
The show is important, and your job is important.
- Then why won't anybody yell at me? - 'Cause we like you.
'Cause you're one of us.
'Cause you'r e always ther e anytime one of us is in trouble.
- Like me. - Like me.
Like them.
- And you. - And you.
- When have I - uh, uh! - Oh...
It doesn't matter.
The point is, when someone's f eeling helpless,
about the nicest gift you can give is to let them help you.
It's the gift of r eceiving as opposed to giving,
and that's a gift you'r e in a position to give right now.
Does that make sense?
- I couldn't f ollow it. - And was I talking to you?
- I'm going home. - Oh, Natalie, don't go home mad!
I'm not mad.
Oh, Natalie...
Hmm. He f ound it.
Jer emy...
- Wake up. - What?
Oh, God.
- Did you do this? - Oh, boy. I...
Did you do this?
Yeah.
Is this f or me?
Don't look at Dan.
Is this f or me?
Yeah.
And this was meant to be some kind of charity?
No, not charity.
I just wanted to do something.
Why?
I like you.
You look awf ully tir ed, Jer emy.
When was the last time you slept?
I don't r eally r emember.
Is that because of me?
Yeah.
Look, I'll clean this stuff up. It'll take a second.
Sit down.
Come on.
Lie down her e.
Put your head her e.
You guys have something better to do?
- No, not r eally. - I don't have anything to do. - No.
- Oh. - Yes, I do. I have a - oh, God.
I have that thing - that thing.
I'll see you in the morning.
Listen, he's gonna be asleep f or a while,
and I wouldn't mind the company.
You want to have a drink with me?
Gee, yeah, I would,
but I've got Gordon waiting in the gr eenroom,
and we'r e going out to dinner.
I'll see you in the morning.
Natalie...
- Yeah? - You've been scr ewing up all week,
and it's gotta stop.
Get your act together and do it f ast. Got it?
- Yes, ma'am. - Good.
Thanks.
You'r e welcome.